apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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