So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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