I'm really into asian looking animals
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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