Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
