i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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