I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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