i barfeds in our rink
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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