i love accidental penises.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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