Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
