No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
