did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
