Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
