I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
