Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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