I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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