i already hear my dad disowning me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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