shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
