she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
