I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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