Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
