Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you