The maid of honor just puked.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.