Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.