You're my little dorito
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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