Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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