I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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