I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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