think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
