I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
