I heard we made out
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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