you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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