Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
