I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
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The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
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He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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