I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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