Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
