U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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