You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
