dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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