I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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