I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
