You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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