i think my tv is drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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