Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
