my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
