He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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