So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
