holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
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Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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