Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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