He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
