shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Are we still banned from the library?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
