Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
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i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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