my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
