all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
