Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
