The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
