Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
