How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
