somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
