Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
