I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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