Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
